Never-Enough Motherhood

My thumb and wrist hurt. I have something called De Quervain’s tenosynovitis (also known as Mommy’s Wrist). As I sit here wondering why my body is getting in the way of looking after my son, I cannot help but reflect on how a sense of inadequacy has been a constant in my motherhood experience.

Looking back, motherhood is prescribed to us in ways we cannot keep up with. We are constantly under a deluge of information. Ever-changing, evolving information. New knowledge becomes old and before we know it, we’re outdated.

Take kick counts, for instance. Something that mothers-to-be were told to do to ensure their babies were doing alright. When I was pregnant, I was told to observe patterns of movements instead as kick counts only provided a snapshot for the duration of the count.

What about iron supplements? The medical advice now is that taking them daily does less for you than taking them on alternate days.

After having a baby, we are told that formula can never compare to breastmilk because the latter gives your baby far more benefits, including an immune booster and, potentially, a raised IQ.

Baby weaning is now in the age of baby led weaning, with purees being viewed as a way to reduce a child’s feeding autonomy and an option that would potentially increase their chances of becoming a picky eater.

While it is to be celebrated that parenting advice has been better researched, there is a dark side to this in the way new advice is often parroted in a holier-than-thou manner that denigrates women who do not conform to these standards. In other words, women who do not fit into the mould of the new ‘good mum’.

Ironically it is a standard often seen embodied only in Insta-mums.

In the midst of this updated parenting advice, we never hear stories from the other side. Of mothers who do not have the supply or ability to breastfeed. Of corporate mothers who are forced back into work early without the facilities to express and store milk.

And what about weaning? Purees still have a place depending on the baby readiness and the mother’s confidence levels.

But not all changes in parenting advice are problematic. Jumping to a different area of parenting, one of disciplining a child, the demise of the belief that “to spare the rod is to spoil the child” is laudable. It is difficult for anyone to argue against the assertion that corporal punishment is in fact a form of violence against a child.

The information deluge is often phrased as an absolute, and we are often left with a constant sense of inadequacy when we do not meet its standards.

Adding to this is the constant shaming of mothers who do not meet these exacting standards, but who are trying their best. This could be either explicitly on social media (the power of which cannot be underestimated) or healthcare contexts or implied in the way mothers who do certain things are praised as ‘good mums’.

Depending on where a mother lives, she can also be shamed through cultural standards. For instance, some cultures celebrate mothers who stay home with their babies while others shame those mothers for being unproductive members of society.

The mother of today is told that she knows her child best and that she has to advocate for her child; yet she is also criticised for her decisions, whether it is through social media, healthcare professionals or older women.

The mother of today is never enough.